I just need to anonymously vent.

"The number". Trust me, you think you want to know, but you definitely do NOT.

I KNOW I should not let this bother me, and maybe I just need some time to get over it, but for the 18 months we've been dating, based on everything I knew about her, I was happy to accept the fact she'd had a few long term boyfriends and a few guys she'd dated. Well, that was all true, but what I didn't know about until she'd had one too many glasses of wine were all of the random encounters, FBs and FWBs (look those acronyms up cause I'm not going to explain them for you). While it's not a number that indicates total skankiness, it's definitely higher than I was ready to be comfortable with. I was also quite disturbed by the circumstances that led to this "activity".

Granted, it's all in the past, but A) I'm kinda concerned that she was so attracted to total jerks, but that she also gave it up so willingly and easily to so many of them in a relatively short period of time, and that she was looking for a "nice guy" to rescue her form her pattern even if she wasn't attracted to him (that would be me) and B) I have to wonder why our sex life is so relatively anemic when she was obviously so sexually motivated just a few years ago.

I accept that she probably had low self esteem thanks to being overweight all through high school and college, thanks to a medical condition, and that upon becoming hot, she maybe didn't know how to handle attention from guys who basically just wanted to sleep with her. I also accept that she's undergone therapy and is herself at peace with this fact. So I SHOULD just shut up and deal with the fact she's had a lot of sex (and other things) with a lot of guys, and not all that long ago. I do admit, it kind of grosses me out. But I think I can deal.

Where my insecurity really kicks in is when I consider she wasn't attracted to me until I left (we went out on two dates, she dropped me because she wasn't attracted, I left the country, and we didn't start dating until I came back to the US more than a year later), that she admits I'm not the kind of guy she's normally attracted to (me=drive a fit, them=chin strap beards, $500 jeans and Hummers) and we don't have much of a sex life. I have to wonder - am I nothing more than therapy for her, or am I just being overly sensitive to this revelation? She's an amazing woman - intelligent, educated, traveled, well read, funny, cute, totally the kind of woman I want! Except for this weird ambiguity regarding her past and how it relates to US. I wish I could believe she's totally changed, but there are just enough pieces of evidence to indicate she's not.

FYI - bringing this back up to discuss resulted in a massive argument, so it's not exactly something she's proud of or willing to talk about. She understands her behavior was dangerous and trashy. She even understands WHY she engage din it. But has she overcome those reasons? Until recently, we'd even been talking about marriage and kids!

Again. Argh.

 

This is ONLY my opinion on the matter, and you and I are 2 diff people...

I personally dont think that her past sex life should have any impact on your relationship unless she actually slips back into that routine. (that is me)

The thing I can tell by how you worded this rant, is you will never get over it. It IS an issue for you or you wouldn't be anonymously writing this out for 20,000+ people to read and potentially give you their opinion. Whether or not you are able to shuffle this fact of hers to the back of your mind, I can guarantee it will be an issue one or more times in the future.

Now I am not saying you can't make it work out, but it will be something you often think about.

I have been married to my wife for 12 years now, and we have 2 fantastic children....and there are some things that happened in the past between us that don't go away and we make sure to not let it have a huge impact on our relationship. These dumb things come up in arguments and then we forget it after about 30 minutes. Some people can get over it and move on, some can't. I just feel you might be one of the "cant's" because this issue is larger than the ones my wife and I have.

please dont be offended, i only know as much about you as you posted.

 

You probably won't get over it until you feel that she's totally changed. But you stated that you feel theres isnt enough evidence to indicate she's not! You also mentioned no sex life. You mentioned she doesn't want to discuss the topic.. and you mentioned marriage... hm, I'm no professional but it sounds like she's just owning you up and controlling this relationship. But I don't really know just brainstorming through what was posted. dont take my post offensive or to serious just tryna give you a heads up because i don't really know. Because I'm not you and don't know anything about your relationship. But I hope things can work out for you!

 

its hard to forget someones part, once you know it. that curiousity factor will always be there, and its hard to change an opinion youve had of "people like that" just because youre now faced with that predicament.

but in all seriousness, be careful of stds. i dont mean that in a negative wayl, but ive shes done all these things you sya she has, in states she wasnt all there in, who knows if she was protected?

 

People do make mistakes and if they prove to me that they have really changed, then I can forgive the past. People do really stupid things sometimes but it just depends on if you can deal with knowing what happened in the past and seperate it from the relationship you have with her today. If she hasn't convinced you that she has changed, give the relationship some time to see if things change or if you notice any signs of problems.Hope that things will work out for you and you can always vent to us - we are happy to listen and be your sounding board.

Cat:x

 

Well, I know for a fact she engaged in MANY unsafe acts with several guys, one of whom turned out to be a hard drug user and another who is basically a serial date-rapist. However she's been tested within the past year (since we started dating). Long story, had to do with her immediate ex who she discovered was cheating over the last year they were together. OK, so not a long story. But she's clean.

My BIG issue isn't so much the number of guys, it's that I more or less feel like a security blanket, protecting her from the kind of guy she used to be/is still secretly attracted to. If I don't cuddle or hold her hand or kiss her hello/goodbye, etc, she gets pouty. However, she almost NEVER initiates any sort of physical contact. It feels like there's zero passion. No real attraction to me. There's affection and camaraderie, but no passion. We laugh and enjoy each other's company. She NEVER wants to have sex (let me rephrase - she never initiates it or expresses any sort of urges), but seems to give enough to keep me from going elsewhere. She says I'm wonderful and sweet and thoughtful, but never shows any actions to express actual attraction. Again, maybe this is just me. This is obviously an issue for my therapist (thank god for insurance), and I need to talk things over with him before they get out of control in my mind. But I can't ignore the signs and the facts - her past, our initial non-dating, our lack of anything physical, her pushing marriage... I accept it could just be me, but I'm uncertain enough to think there could be more problems.

 

she has seriously deep psychological issues. Mind you I am not a doctor, but the way you describe her tells me that.

 

Well, this is my OVERALL concern. I do know she's had quite a lot of therapy for her relationship issues due to all of the things that have happened to her (some of which I have not mentioned). And to some degree, I have to accept these things happened, some as a result of her actions and decisions and some by circumstance, and that she'll always be a little damaged. Who isn't? I can handle "damage" as long as we both acknowledge it.

I think I need to be able to honestly and clearly express my feelings to a professional therapist so I can be more certain it's not just me. I know I have some relationship issues (thanks, mom & dad!), and I also feel committed enough to this relationship to try some therapy sessions with her. But if what I fear actually is the case, I'm going to have to leave her. Bottom line. I can't spend my life helping someone else feel better about their past while ignoring everything I need from a relationship. I have no doubt I have some screwy issues in my noggin that need some resolution, and I hope this is just one of them. Maybe if I can gain some self confidence and eliminate some of these insecurities, I can overcome. Because I DO love her! But like I said, if a therapist determines my issues are founded in reality... I'll have no choice.

 

These kinds of warning signals should not be ignored. She should NEVER have shared her most intimate sexual details with you, you are not her therapist! You now have information in your head that will never leave. Go find someone with more modesty and purity than this messed-up specimen. I don't know if you love her, but love itself as an emotion is not enough to take you very far in life's journey. You gotta have a hell of a lot of respect for the person and it's hard to respect a skank.

You can do better than this. Not saying she couldn't be a good person at some point, but she still doesn't have a sense of BOUNDARIES or she never would have confessed all she's done to you. And if those boundaries aren't there, then you can't trust her not to have more experiences.

Just being blunt for a fellow freak.

 

I totally skipped this entire post. RUN AWAY!!! NOW!!! You do NOT need this kind of sickness. Heck, she could be a mixed up lesbian who doesn't really want men at all but can't face that and so is screwing everything in pants trying to prove it to herself. You don't need a therapist, come over here closer to the screen and I'll....(slap) snap you out of it! NO! NO! NO! Better to be alone than with someone who doesn't desire you, have passion for you, not have 300 other guys' imprints left on her buttocks. NO! Please say goodbye to her today and let her be someone else's problem!

To say nothing of the health risk you are putting yourself into.

Please. Please. There are decent girls out there. You have to believe you deserve better than this.



p.s. I noticed you are in Austin, so the challenge of finding a decent girl may be a little more of a challenge...seriously, but you can find them, just not in a bar or hanging out on the Mall.

i'm somewhat surprised she isn't also a single mom...usually chicks like this have a kid or two from one or more boyfriends.

 

The frightening part is that she obviously is not hot for you, yes passion can cool down after 10 years of marriage, or because you are so busy raising kids. But you are still in a young relationship.

You should be able to forgive her past, but only if she wants no more of the bad boys and is willing to devote herself with some passion to a good guy.

I hate to say it does not look good, but you are likely wasting time which means you dont have yourself available to meet a truly fine woman.

Plus you are setting yourself up to be a door mat.

 

the only thing you need to do is stay with her..
then judge whether you really love her or not..

one other tip too is to cool off then if you missed her..
then you really have a deep feelings for her
forget the pass dude...

 

I think you should get her number and stay with her. Yuk - there are nice girls out there but if guys want to stay with a messed-up specimen like that, whatever. just because you have the hots for some body doesn't mean it's love. You must be young. You will have more wisdom someday.

"Settling" for whatever you can get is always the wrong move.

 

As forward as Juliane is about this, she is right. Yes it's a decision that is going to ultimately be made by YOU, but we are people who know nothing about you and are giving unbiased opinions.

Any time I have ever seen any relationship that has to have therapy before even being married is a red flag.

 

I dont know about you but I would be super pissed at the fact that she gave it up to all those losers and she wont give it up to you. Maybe you should start being a dick and see what that gets you

 

I like the nice way you put that! "Blunt" or "frank" are 2 other choices.

Man, I've made some dumb choices in my life and it's easy to see backward - at the time I wish I'd had someone to get in my face and ask me "WTF are you doing???" So if I can remind someone that they don't have to be with someone like this, then it's a good thing.

You're right about the therapy - BIG red flag. Also her lack of boundaries to tell him all about her previous sex life - that alone should make him RUN in the other direction. A person with so little dignity is not going to do treat herself right, and cannot treat the other person right either.

Hey, he asked for advice. I'm like the ice water instead of the warm tea.

 

So, dude, what happened?

 

hope all is well

 

i dated this one chic for about 3 and half years. everything was fine and dandy, until she called it quits on me. it was mothers day of 2007. i will never forget that day errrr. up until now i still have some good and bad memories of her, and still trying to move on completely. i'm not trying to rush love and all but sometimes i wish i had a gf right now lol. other times i wish i was still with my ex-gf. but life must go on. right now i'm just tryin to make myself better for the next girl that comes into my life. hehe

 

Getting advice about women from women is like fixing a headache with a hand gun.

My advice is this...
Either stay and battle through the issues together realizing her "Issues" could also be you insecurities, Or bolt and try to find someone else. Just realize you risk finding another woman who is just as, if not moreso, screwed up than this one.

Relationships are very much about the each party understanding their personal limitations. If you cant handle addressing issues of her past then maybe you need some you time to figure out if you are in the relationship as her crutch or if you both lean on one another. For that reason relationships rely heavily on reciprocity.

If you feel she has issues that you are helping her through and she feels you have issues she is helping you through then you are on an even playing field. Its a point that youtwo can relate to each other on. From what you have said, and the fact that you are anonymously venting, you dont have a lot of open channels of communication in your life. Maybe some of this is a personal issue of comfort and intimacy and feeling like she isnt at the same place in her life as you are. Either way you can't overlook the possibility that some of this is your insecurity, whether your notions of her sordid past drawing her back in are founded or not.

As far as the sex life is concerned, a lot of people go through crazy phases of sexual experimentation. I mean I was a fat little nerd all through highschool. Once I got to college things changed drastically, and I was a walking hard-on. It was ridiculous. I have had more one night stands than relationships. And its not something I am proud of as an adult now. Now I am 24, and in a stable relationship, all because the person I was with had the patience to stick around and help me work through my problems while I helped her work through hers. In the end regardless of issues, yours or hers, or your threshhold for comfort or trust, all that matters is that you both care enough to try and work through it. That means admitting once ina while that you might be wrong or listenting to her point of view. However, if it gets to the point wherte you are the only one willing to fight for it, then my sage advice as a guy who has been on both sides of this argument, is to cut your losses and walk away bro.

I am sure you are a great sensitive guy if you are pouring yourself out like this. But dont let your vulnerability turn into weakness. Being able to work through something never involves becoming a doormat. Be strong and assertive, but understanding and pliable. You'll figure it out bro. Meditate, or pray, or smoke something (whatever you are into) and think about it. Find peace in your own thoughts and make a strong decision.