Mods, please combine thread if one already exists. =)

This is what we have been waiting for...the true answers to the 5 most
important questions in the world:

Q WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A It's the same as a French kiss, only 'down under.'

Q WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A Because, when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they
take your house and car with them.

Q WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

 

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to"Dad." With the Worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to Elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the w hole w inter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son,
John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card, that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

 

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss
them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.



In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he

turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to

dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.



He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became

worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out

the door, their daughter came home with her date.



After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could

get the peanut out.



The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two

fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.



When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.



The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.



The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the

young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.



Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so

wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he

grows older?"


The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

----


> An old man lived alone in New Mexico. He wanted to spade his
> chili garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Francisco,
> Who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter
> To his son and described his predicament:
>
> Oye Francisco, I feeling pretty bat cuz I do not think I will be
> Able to plant my chili gardenz this year. I just getting too
> Viejo to dig a garden, but if you waz here, all mi problemas
> Wood be over. I know you wood dig the plot for me.
> Siempre, tu poppy
>
> A few days later he received a letter from his son:
> Dear Poppy, Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's
> Where I buried the BODIES!
> Love, Francisco
>
> At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police
> Showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
> They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the
> Old man received another letter from his son.
>
> Dear Poppy,Go ahead and plant the chilis now. Its the best I
> Could do. Love, Francisco
>
> Who said Mexicans were dumb?
>

---


THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN

ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO

SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND

WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE

WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE

CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE

THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS

BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE

THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE"

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND

GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED

HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."


---

BAPTIST COWBOY

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a
sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the
bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
time."

The cowboy replies, "! Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas,
we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for
myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar! , and always drinks the same
way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his
eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "it's just that my wife
and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil



Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend

sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God

Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, 'Very good' and

continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and

Savior?' But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came

to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!'

shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,' Very good,' and

Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after

she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn

thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted...........

 

The population of this country is 300 million.



160 million are retired.



That leaves 140 million to do the work.



There are 85 million in school.



Which leaves 55 million to do the work.



Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.



Leaving 15 million to do the work.



2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.



Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.



Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.



At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.



Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.



That leaves just two people to do the work.



You and me.



And there you are,



sitting on your butt,



at your computer, reading jokes.



Nice. Real Nice

 

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...



Satan: "Why so glum?"



Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"



Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"



Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."



Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."



Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"



Satan: "You a smoker?"



Guy: "You better believe it!"



Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"



Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"



Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."



Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."



Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."



Guy: "Cool!"



Satan: "What about Drugs?"



Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"



Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."



Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"



Satan: "You ***?"



Guy: "No..."



Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

 

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.



She asks him why he is staring.



He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"



She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."



"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."



She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."



The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"



"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."



The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.



But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.



"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"



"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."



The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers

in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his

back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and

spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.



What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him

and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the

horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,

this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.

"What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone

Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him

square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you knuklehead, for the

last time...

B R I N G P O S S E!!!!

 

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with
her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have
any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it
to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a
check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent
of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed
upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the
impression that;
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and
at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously
occupied, that there wasn' t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the Check for $250 with the following note..

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat,
there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't
blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady
--
Lou

 

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"



Then I hear the guy say nervously...

*

*

*

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

 

TASTE TEST

A group of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to say:

Red......................Cherry

Yellow................Lemon

Green...................Lime

Orange.................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well, she said, I will give you all a clue.
It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror,
spit her lifesaver out and yelled,


'Oh, my gosh, 'They're ass-holes!

 

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest
little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, where do
you keep the widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and
fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over
there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python
weally gives a thit."

 

A very loud, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I' m neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid
twice."
Have a good day

 

Before the marriage

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She : Do you want me to leave ?

He : No! Don't even think about it.

She : Do you love me ?

He : Of course !

She : Have you ever cheated on me ?

He : NO! Why you even asking?

She : Will you kiss me?

He : Yes

She : Will you hit me ?

He : No way! I'm not such kind of person!

She : Can I trust you ?

He : Yes.

Now after the marriage you can read it from below to up .

 

A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a recentfootball game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizensitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation tounderstand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitiveone, " the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear."The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, spacetravel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. Wehave nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars. Computerswith light-speed processing...and more. " After a brief silence thesenior citizen responded as follows: "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we wereyoung.......so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little ****, what

are
you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was amazing.......

 

that made me laugh

 

One cold night, a married couple is lying in bed. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep after a long day tiring at work. The husband turns his bed lamp on to read his favorite book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area.

He does this for a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is shocked and asks, “Why are you taking off your clothes?”

His wife replies, “You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.”

The husband says, “No, not at all.”

His wife asks angrily, “Well, what the hell were you doing then?”

“I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.”

 

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.


One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.


As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"


"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


"I think you're bad luck."

 

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip
for the first time.


The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'al but I'm gunna wear me
sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare
laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant
orange panties." Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.

The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down
and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any
panties....." "What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says "Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I
ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey,
dey always look fo da black box first."

 

a young punk with foot long green spikes in his hair went and sat on a park bench next to an old man.

after sitting for a while he noticed that the old man was staring at him with a puzzled look on his face.

"what's the matter old timer? never done something crazy in your life?" he asked patronisingly

"no, it's not that" replies the old man " it's just that i had sex with a hedgehog back in '81 and i was wondering if you were my son"