GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I ***?"
> SELF-EXAMINATION
>
> 1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard
> stomach, you are ***.
> It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with
> the boys and have spent
> the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics,
> and doing the Oprah
> diet.
>
> 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A
> cat is like a dog, but
> *** - it grooms itself constantly but never
> scratches itself, has a delicate
> touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to
> be fed. And just think
> about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I
> said get your ass over
> here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a
> cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy,
> snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're
> so ***.
>
> 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby
> pacifiers, or any such
> nonsense, rest assured, you are a ***lord. A
> straight man only sucks on
> bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish
> guts, pickled pigs feet,
> or tits. Anything else and you are in training to
> suck El Dicko and
> undeniably a fag.
>
> 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public
> bathroom or piss in a parking
> lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A
> man's world is his
> bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he
> pleases.
>
> 5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you
> like a high hard one in
> the poop chute. Coffee is to be ha r d strong,
> black, and full aroma. A
> straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf
> Cafe Latte with Skim "and
> he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener
> tastes like. If you've
> had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man
> there, too.
>
> 6. If you know more than six names of colors or
> four different types of
> dessert, you might as well be handing out free
> passes to your ass. A real
> man doesn't have memory space in his brain to
> remember all of that crap as
> well as all the names of all the players in the
> Major league, NFL, NHL,
> college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out
> chartreuse or you know
> what a "fressier" is you're ***. And if you can name
> ANY type of textile
> other than denim, you are faggadocious.
>
> 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel,
> forget it, you're dying to
> tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on
> the wheel to honk at a
> slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of
> the time he needs that
> hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger,
> hold his beer, or play
> with his honey in the passenger seat.
>
> 8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films,
> mon-frere, vous le ***,
> oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of
> those is with a woman
> who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the
> above films by yourself
> or with another man is likely to result in SHC
> (spontaneous homosexual
> combustion), which is what happens to fags when they
> Flame out too.

 

Cheater

A man, returning home a day early got into a taxi at the airport. While
en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man
suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in
the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for
you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season New York
Giant's tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our
country club
membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He
looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby replied; "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he
catches a cold.

 

So this one day this little boy named Jr. is at his Granddad's house, So the grandad asks Jr. if he wants to go do some chores with him. Jr egearly says ok and they get in the car. The first place they stop is the tobacco store, and Jr asks, "Grandad can I have some cigarretes?" and the Grandad says "Can your **** touch your ass?' and Jr. says no, so then they go to the liqour store and Jr asks, "Grandad can I have some beer?" and the Grandad says "Can your **** touch your ass?' and Jr. says no, So they on the way home the Grandad has to get gas, so when the two go in to pay, and Jr asks, "Grandad can I have a lottery ticket?" and the Grandad says "Sure why not?'' So later that night the two where watching the news and they call out the winning numbers. Sure enough Jr. wins. So the grandad ask, "Hey Jr. can I have some of the money?" and Jr replies, "Can your **** touch you ass?" and the Grandad says Yes, then Jrs says "Well than go **** yourself!"

 

A business man takes a trip to the Bahamas and while sitting in his hotel room, bored, he decides to go out a pick up a hooker. They return to the room and begin to have sex. As things begin to really heat up, the woman starts screaming out "Cowabunga!" over and over.

The next day, the man had a business deal to close with a client over a game of golf...
The man took his first swing and sure enough, a hole in 1. Excited, the man shouted out the word "Cowabunga!".
The client then looked over at him with a confused look on his face and said "'What do you mean wrong hole?".

 

A tour bus driver was driving a bunch of elderly people on their vacation. The couple behind the driver offered him some peanuts, which he accepted. This went on for some time, and it appeared that the couple wasn't eating any themselves.

The elderly woman offered him some more peanuts, and he said, "You're being awfully kind to give me all of your peanuts. Why don't y'all enjoy the rest?"

The woman replied, "No, that's okay. We just like to suck the chocolate off of them."

 

Rejected titles for Brokeback Mountain:

HIGH NOONER
JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON
TRUE, HE GRITS
THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE
THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE
HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG
THE WILD BRUNCH
HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON
THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER
DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID
VERY RAW HIDE
LONESOME DOUG
THE HOARSE SOLDIERS
DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN
MCCABE AND MR. MILLER
A FISTFUL OF NED
HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!
QUICKLY DOWN UNDER
BAREBACK MOUNTING
BONE-NANZA
DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS
HOME ON THE RANGER
OKLAHOMO
LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
PRANCES WITH WOLVES

 

Speeding Scenarios:

GOOD
In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running
radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders,
but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the
problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road
with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD!"
The officer later found a young accomplice down the
road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full
of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding
through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A
$40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of
$40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of
handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for
speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car
window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I
bet you are going to se ll me a ticket to the Texas
State Police Ball."
He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he
realized what he'd just said.
He closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.

 

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young
Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the
way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also
instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could
help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the
Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, Sister" said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to
wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down
between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now..." said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key
to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to
me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace.
And
then Father John guided his key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact..." said the old nun, even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful but that the glory of God would soon
swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt good being
saved."

"That son-of-a..." muttered the old nun, "he told ME it was
Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for forty years!"

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers"


This one is for everyone who
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids

I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my boogers?"

 

"Beautiful blonde"

A guy met a beautiful blonde, and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other, as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel, beside her.
She said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down next to him on her towel, barely out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Golden Meadow, Louisiana, and I worked both sides of the bayou!!"

 

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
"The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said."I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 72-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 47 years seniority and she's next."

 

CHINESE SICK LEAVE - "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow called into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work
today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I
feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

 

A male coworker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it anymore.

She takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.


The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,

"What's sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies,"It's Paul, the midget."

 

A woman walks into a pharmacy and tentatively approaches the pharmacist. The pharmacist, seeing her hesitancy, asks if there is anything that he can do for her. She asks him in a quiet voice, "Do you carry extra large condoms?" He points to where they are and asks if she wants to purchase a box. She says, "No, but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?"

 

A *** couple is driving along one afternoon, and while
stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a big
semi. Furious, the guy in the passenger seat throws
his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back
to the truck and starts banging on the door.

The truck driver opens the door and the *** guy, standing
there with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue
your ass, Buddy!"

The truck driver, being a truck driver, laughs and says,
"Suck my ****!"

The *** guy stands there for a second, then his eyes
get real big and his face just lights up. He runs back
to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't
believe it, he wants to settle out of court!"

 

man escapes from prison, where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then
gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was ***, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom cabinet. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

 

>A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in
her
>room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private
area
>and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she
>touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small,
>recognizable movement.
>
>They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As
>crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and
bring
>her out of the coma."
>
>The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the
curtains
>for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
>
>After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart
>rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
>
>The husband said, "I'm not! sure, maybe she choked".

 

Consider these 3 thoughts:

(1) Zero Gravity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen
that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.


The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.



(2) Our Constitution

"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't
we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, and
it's worked for over 200 years. And, we're not using it anymore."


(3) Ten Commandments

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse
is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges
and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

 

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."