Funny Jokes
#81
06-25-2008, 12:11 PM
A cowboy in Oklahoma got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in
general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel
uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches.
See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The cowboy says, "Oh no, Trooper. I have too much respect for law
enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies."
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in
general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel
uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches.
See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The cowboy says, "Oh no, Trooper. I have too much respect for law
enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies."
#82
06-25-2008, 12:13 PM
As seen in a dog's diary:
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favourite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favourite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favourite!
As seen in a cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with
bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me
going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from
clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today
my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they
were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I
once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair - must try
this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended
about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to
plan... There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the
noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my
confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn
what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He
is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an
informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety
is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favourite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favourite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favourite!
As seen in a cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with
bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me
going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from
clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today
my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they
were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I
once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair - must try
this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended
about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to
plan... There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the
noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my
confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn
what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He
is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an
informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety
is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
#83
06-25-2008, 12:14 PM
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! ! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want
to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the
silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! ! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want
to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the
silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
#84
06-25-2008, 12:17 PM
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married
ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be."
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.. "
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not"
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it."
"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.....
God, I miss him !"
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" she said.
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!"
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married
ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be."
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.. "
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not"
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it."
"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.....
God, I miss him !"
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" she said.
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!"
#85
06-25-2008, 12:18 PM
Bartenders Psychology:
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the @ss.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky
taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested,
she'll send YOU a drink..................
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings
with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually,
she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an
easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed.
Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer:< /B> He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image
to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's ***
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the @ss.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky
taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested,
she'll send YOU a drink..................
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings
with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually,
she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an
easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed.
Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer:< /B> He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image
to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's ***
#86
06-25-2008, 12:19 PM
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in
the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome
by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have
you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into
the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him
out of the water and asks again. "Have you found
Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks
the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him
down for about 30 seconds. When he begins kicking his
arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up and again
asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and
says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in
the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome
by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have
you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into
the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him
out of the water and asks again. "Have you found
Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks
the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him
down for about 30 seconds. When he begins kicking his
arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up and again
asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and
says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
#87
06-25-2008, 12:20 PM
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man!!!!!!!!!!
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man!!!!!!!!!!
#88
06-25-2008, 12:21 PM
Timmy the Vikings Fan
In a school just outside Milwaukee, a first grade teacher explained to her class that she
was a Packers Fan. She asked her students to raise their hands
if they were Packer fans too. Not really knowing what a Packers fan was, but wanting
to be liked by their teacher, their hands all flew into the air.
However, there was one exception. A little boy named Timmy was not going along with the crowd. The teacher asked him why he had decided to be different.
"Because I am not a Packers fan." said Timmy.
"Then," asked the teacher, "what are you?"
Timmy replied proudly, "I am a Vikings fan!" The teacher, a strong Green Bay Packers
fan, was a little perturbed now as her face turned slightly
red. She asked Timmy why he was a Vikings fan.
"Well, my Mom and Dad are Vikings fans so I'm a Vikings fan, too," Timmy responded.
The teacher got very angry. "That's no reason," she said loudly. "What if your Mom was
a moron, and your dad was an idiot?
Timmy smiled and said, "Then, I'd be a Packers Fan."
In a school just outside Milwaukee, a first grade teacher explained to her class that she
was a Packers Fan. She asked her students to raise their hands
if they were Packer fans too. Not really knowing what a Packers fan was, but wanting
to be liked by their teacher, their hands all flew into the air.
However, there was one exception. A little boy named Timmy was not going along with the crowd. The teacher asked him why he had decided to be different.
"Because I am not a Packers fan." said Timmy.
"Then," asked the teacher, "what are you?"
Timmy replied proudly, "I am a Vikings fan!" The teacher, a strong Green Bay Packers
fan, was a little perturbed now as her face turned slightly
red. She asked Timmy why he was a Vikings fan.
"Well, my Mom and Dad are Vikings fans so I'm a Vikings fan, too," Timmy responded.
The teacher got very angry. "That's no reason," she said loudly. "What if your Mom was
a moron, and your dad was an idiot?
Timmy smiled and said, "Then, I'd be a Packers Fan."
#89
06-25-2008, 12:21 PM
Oil Change Instructions For Women
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the
last
oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
Money Spent
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
Oil Change Instructions For Men
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and
twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can
to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18. Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan
full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
back
yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket
surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along
with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt
into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower
gas.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty
litter on oil spill.
30. Drink beer.
31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag
used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
drain
plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December
(1992)
in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23 - 43.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Call loving wife, make bail.
50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money Spent
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total $4165.00 -- But you know the job was done right!
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the
last
oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
Money Spent
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
Oil Change Instructions For Men
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and
twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can
to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18. Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan
full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
back
yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket
surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along
with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt
into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower
gas.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty
litter on oil spill.
30. Drink beer.
31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag
used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
drain
plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December
(1992)
in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23 - 43.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Call loving wife, make bail.
50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money Spent
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total $4165.00 -- But you know the job was done right!
#90
06-25-2008, 12:22 PM
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches
to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets
her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up
very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be
more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several !
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for
their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
>than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be
a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches
to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets
her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up
very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be
more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several !
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for
their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
>than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be
a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
#91
06-25-2008, 12:23 PM
Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all
through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about amonth
ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all
through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about amonth
ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
#92
06-25-2008, 12:23 PM
Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top
> hospitals during her tour of the floors, she passed
> a room where a male patient was masturbating.
> "Oh my God", said the Queen. "That's disgraceful.
> What is the meaning of this?"
> The doctor leading the tour explained, "I am sorry
> your ladyship. This man has a very serious condition
> where his testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he
> doesn't masturbate at least 5 times a day, his penis
> will swell; he might even die."
> "Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen. "I was unaware
> that such a medical problem existed." On the same
> floor, they soon passed a room where a young
> nurse was giving another male patient a blow job.
> "Oh my God," said the Queen. "What's happening in
> there?"
> The doctor replied, "Same problem, better
> health plan."
> hospitals during her tour of the floors, she passed
> a room where a male patient was masturbating.
> "Oh my God", said the Queen. "That's disgraceful.
> What is the meaning of this?"
> The doctor leading the tour explained, "I am sorry
> your ladyship. This man has a very serious condition
> where his testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he
> doesn't masturbate at least 5 times a day, his penis
> will swell; he might even die."
> "Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen. "I was unaware
> that such a medical problem existed." On the same
> floor, they soon passed a room where a young
> nurse was giving another male patient a blow job.
> "Oh my God," said the Queen. "What's happening in
> there?"
> The doctor replied, "Same problem, better
> health plan."
#93
06-25-2008, 12:25 PM
I Need A Rai$e!
> > I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for
> > the following
> > reasons:
> >
> > * I do physical labour
> > * I work at great depths
> > * I work head first
> > * I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
> > * I work in a damp environment
> > * I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
> > * I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
> > * I work in high temperatures
> > * My work exposes me to contagious diseases
> >
> > Response from the administration:
> >
> > After assessing your request, and considering the
> > arguments you
> > have raised, the administration rejects your request
> > for the following
> > reasons:
> >
> > * You do not work 8 hours straight
> > * You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
> > * You do not always follow the orders of the
> > management team
> > * You do not stay in your allocated position, and
> > often visit other areas
> > * You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
> > * You do not take initiative - you need to be
> > pressured and stimulated in order to start working
> > * You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
> > your shift
> > * You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as
> > wearing the correct protective outfits
> > * You don't wait till pension age before retiring
> > * You don't like working double shifts
> > * You sometimes leave your allocated position before
> > you have completed the day's work
> > * And if that were not all, you have been seen
> > constantly entering and leaving the work place
> > carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
> > I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for
> > the following
> > reasons:
> >
> > * I do physical labour
> > * I work at great depths
> > * I work head first
> > * I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
> > * I work in a damp environment
> > * I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
> > * I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
> > * I work in high temperatures
> > * My work exposes me to contagious diseases
> >
> > Response from the administration:
> >
> > After assessing your request, and considering the
> > arguments you
> > have raised, the administration rejects your request
> > for the following
> > reasons:
> >
> > * You do not work 8 hours straight
> > * You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
> > * You do not always follow the orders of the
> > management team
> > * You do not stay in your allocated position, and
> > often visit other areas
> > * You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
> > * You do not take initiative - you need to be
> > pressured and stimulated in order to start working
> > * You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
> > your shift
> > * You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as
> > wearing the correct protective outfits
> > * You don't wait till pension age before retiring
> > * You don't like working double shifts
> > * You sometimes leave your allocated position before
> > you have completed the day's work
> > * And if that were not all, you have been seen
> > constantly entering and leaving the work place
> > carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
#94
06-25-2008, 12:26 PM
*How To Interpret Employment Ads*
"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our
competitors.
"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.
"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will
dress up.
"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on
your first day.
"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.
"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.
"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need
to replace three people who just left.
"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in
perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your
first task is to find out what is going on.
"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities
of a manager without the pay or respect.
"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you
have to figure out what they want and do it.
"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our
competitors.
"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.
"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will
dress up.
"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on
your first day.
"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.
"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.
"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need
to replace three people who just left.
"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in
perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your
first task is to find out what is going on.
"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities
of a manager without the pay or respect.
"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you
have to figure out what they want and do it.
#95
06-25-2008, 12:26 PM
Having A Bad Day?
Deep thoughts...by Jack Handey
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is ***.
You're not.
He has a date coming over today.
But you only have one ass.
Feel better?
Deep thoughts...by Jack Handey
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is ***.
You're not.
He has a date coming over today.
But you only have one ass.
Feel better?
#96
06-25-2008, 12:28 PM
Support Condom Week- READ it!
>
> LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL
> CONDOM WEEK
>
> 1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
> 2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
> 3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
> 4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
> 5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
> 6. YOU CANT GO WRONG IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG
> 7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
> 8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YOUR MONKEY
> 9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
> 10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER
> 11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR ****
> 12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
> 13. WHILE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR
> PENIS
> 14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR =
TROUSER
MOUSE
> 15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YR MEMBER
> 16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED
> PECKER
> 17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
> 18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR
> ERECTION
> 19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
> 20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
> 21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
>
> LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL
> CONDOM WEEK
>
> 1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
> 2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
> 3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
> 4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
> 5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
> 6. YOU CANT GO WRONG IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG
> 7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
> 8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YOUR MONKEY
> 9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
> 10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER
> 11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR ****
> 12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
> 13. WHILE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR
> PENIS
> 14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR =
TROUSER
MOUSE
> 15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YR MEMBER
> 16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED
> PECKER
> 17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
> 18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR
> ERECTION
> 19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
> 20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
> 21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
#97
06-25-2008, 12:28 PM
The first date...
She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...
and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they
were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and
slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop
and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants
down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were
firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind
as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.
It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply
that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to coverherself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes,he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,
they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks
from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place,
both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants
and pee her butt off the fender.
She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...
and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they
were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and
slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop
and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants
down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were
firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind
as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.
It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply
that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to coverherself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes,he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,
they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks
from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place,
both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants
and pee her butt off the fender.
#98
06-25-2008, 12:30 PM
The ending to the Cinderella Story............
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fullfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an explempary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly her rocking chair turned to solid gold. "Ohhh, thank you Fairy Godmother!"
The fairy godmother replied, " it is the least I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........
(Scroll down. . . . )
wait for it...............................
here it comes................................
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fullfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an explempary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly her rocking chair turned to solid gold. "Ohhh, thank you Fairy Godmother!"
The fairy godmother replied, " it is the least I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........
(Scroll down. . . . )
wait for it...............................
here it comes................................
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
#99
06-25-2008, 12:31 PM
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the
assistant for some rectum deodorant. The
pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the
woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist
that she has been buying the stuff from this store
> >on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde
"Do you have the container that it came in?"
asks the pharmacist..
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it
to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container
"To apply, push up bottom"
assistant for some rectum deodorant. The
pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the
woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist
that she has been buying the stuff from this store
> >on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde
"Do you have the container that it came in?"
asks the pharmacist..
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it
to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container
"To apply, push up bottom"
#100
06-25-2008, 12:32 PM
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go around!
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back.
Guess he felt really stupid, huh?
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back.
Guess he felt really stupid, huh?