A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

 

A couple were deep in sleep when their phone rang.

The blonde woman answers the phone and hears a female voice whisper something.

"How should I know? It's 3am! Why don't you check yourself?" And she hangs up.

The husband groggily asks who that was. The wife replies that it was some woman asking if the coast was clear.

 

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students, one by one.

"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

He responds, "Just a minute, I have to go piss." The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite!"

"What about you John, how would you say it?" John replied, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

Peter responded, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment. I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

 

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he
thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while
he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her
screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys
and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex
doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man
said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the
trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoo ****.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo ****?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there
lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and
said "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this
shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo ****, the door." The
voodoo **** rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and
started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the
vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the
door could split, the old man said "Voodoo ****, get back in
your box!" The voodoo **** stopped, floated back to the box and
lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife,
told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had
to do was say "Voodoo ****, my *****." He left for his trip
satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her,
but then she remembered the voodoo ****. She got it out, and
said "Voodoo ****, my *****!" The voodoo **** shot to her crotch
and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had
enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she
was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and
then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been
drinking, but that a voodoo **** was stuck in her *****, and
wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second,
and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo ****, my ass!"

 

Med School

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention.

 

A bear and a rabbit were taking a **** in the woods. The bear turns his head and says "Hey rabbit, do you have a problem with **** sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replied "No, I never have that problem at all."










So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass.

 

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happyAn elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

 

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours
> and gets horrible
> sunburn.
> He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted
> after being diagnosed
> with second degree burns.
>
> With his skin already starting to blister and the
> severe pain he is in,
> the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding
> with saline,
> electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every
> four hours.
>
> The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good
> will Viagra do for
> him, Doctor?"
>
> The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his
> legs."

 

Subject: Cops


Two men are driving through Georgia when they get pulled over by a
State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

"What the he$$ was that for?" the driver asks.

"You're in Kentucky Boy" the trooper answers. "When we pull you
over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here."
"The trooper runs a check on the guy's license -- he's clean -- and
gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the
window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.

"Just making your wish come true," replies the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.

"Because I know," the trooper says," that two miles down the road
you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that a$$holee would've tried that sh$$ with me!'"

 

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kind of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

A story about a sperm cell named Joe

Joe was a very concientious sperm cell that wanted to be ready when the majic moment arrived. Joe would be the first sperm cell to wake up in the morning and work out till sundown and then would hit the books.

We'll one friday night his fellow sperm cells dropped into joe's room and asked him if he would like to join them for a night on the town. Joe of course refused saying he had a lot of study and wanted to go to bed early and rise the next morn at the crack of dawn to begin his workouts. Joe's friends got home early in the morn and stumbled into bed.

No sooner than they dropped off the alarm goes off for the majic moment had arrived. Joe of course was up and ready while the other cells were falling over each other. Joe takes the lead and is running thru the tunnel way ahead of all the sperm cells. After a short while joe's friends see joe running back down the tunnel. What's the matter joe they ask? Joe responds "run for your life , it's a blow job"...

 

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...........

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

 

Tell me this.......

Why does a gynocologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the care of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic"?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can't see them when you're in space?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why does mineral water that "has trickled through mountains for centuries" have a "use by" date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would ever eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out"?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

 

At a Senior Citizen's Luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly women struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when they came to a fork in the river and the gentleman asked the lady "Do you want to go up or down"?

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished the man couldn't believe what just happened, but he'd just experienced the best sex he'd had in years.

They finished for awhile and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down"?

There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again! This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing with him the next day. She said yes, and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came to a fork in the river and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down"?

The woman replied, "Down".

A little puzzled and disappointed the gentleman guided the boat down the river and when they came upon another fork in the river he asked the lady, "Up or down"?

She replied, "Up".

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal, yesterday everytime I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, NOTHING"!

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f#$% or drown."

 

Dave works hard at the office and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every cuss word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real b_t_h this time".

 

Dr. Phil Was Conducting A Group Therapy
> Session With Four Young Mothers And Their Small Children. "you
All
> Have Obsessions, " He Observed. To The First Mother, He Said, "
> You Are Obsessed With Eating. You've Even Named Your Daughter
Candy."
>
> He Turned To The Second Mom. "your Obsession Is With Money. Again,
It
> Manifests Itself In Your Child's Name, Penny."
>
> He Turns To The Third Mom. "your Obsession Is Alcohol. This, Too,
> Manifests Itself In Your Child's Name, Brandy."
>
> At This Point, The Fourth Mother Gets Up Takes Her Little Boy By
The
> Hand And Whispers, "come On d**k, We're Leaving."

 

A senior citizen in Tampa bought a brand new lexus convertible. He took off down the road getting it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

This is great he thought roaring down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the medal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him no problem", thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, then 120.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the lexus and walked up to the man.

"Sir", said the trooper looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and it's Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding I've never heard before I'll let you go.

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day sir", said the trooper.

 

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin> Laden found a bottle on a
beach and picked it up
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with
a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you
know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me
anything" barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a
wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the
impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want
to awaken with three American women in my bed in the
morning, so just do it and be off with you !"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena
Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis
was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health
insurance.

God is good!

 

Enjoy!!!!

A Texas Chili Contest

Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:
(Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

 

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - - silence - - - -
HUSBAND: "Crap"