When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this: On your way home from work,stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

 

In a small town down in the deep south, around 1932, there was an old black man standing out in the middle of the street on a manhole cover. Every one in a while, he would bend down a little bit, jump up a few inches and go “forty-four”………a few seconds later, another small jump, another “forty-four”.
Well this strange behavior got the interest of one of the local dumb rednecks in the town. “Watcha doin?” said the redneck. “Just playin’ a game”, said the old man. Now the redneck was even more curious – this didn’t look like a game at all. He said to the old black man, "You show me how to play this game right now!”. So the old man had the redneck stand on the manhole cover. “You do just like I done did, ok?” The redneck bent down a bit and made a little jump, saying “forty-four”. “No, no, no – yous gotta jump higher!” the black man said. So the redneck bent all the way down and jumped as high as he could. As he left the ground, the old man grabbed the manhole cover out of the way, the redneck shot down into the hole, the old man put the manhole cover back on the hole, stood on the cover and jumped up, saying “forty-five,…..forty-five”.

 

This one's kinda long...

Poor Mike:
Two guys in a bar...

One says "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead!"

"Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all.
So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor.
Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up.
He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that.
He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor.
In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that.
So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen.
He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the lamp cord and
pulls the whole thing off the table and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 120 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he ..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house!"

 

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is,

However, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in".





Pervert---Wipe that smile off your face.

 

The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

 

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...



The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.



Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!



(A** Almost Boobs...
{B** Barely there.
{C** Can't Complain!
{D** Dang!
{DD** Double dang!
{E** Enormous!
{F** Fake.
{G** Get a Reduction.
{H** Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

 

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?


5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? Tell that to Charles Manson.


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came, would I be standing here, dumbass?

 

Friendship differences

Friendship Among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends.
Not one of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

 

ROBO-PUB

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "162" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot.

He walks out of the bar, turns around and comes back in for another drink.

Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about 100."

Immediately, the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns and women's body parts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.

He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Errr, 50, I think."

And the robot says....really slowly, "So...is....your....party....gonna....nominate .... .Hillary.....for................President???"

 

Perks of Being Over 50

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3. No on expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now, won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4:00pm.

9. You can live without sex, but not your glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You can no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks in the room.

14. You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the weather bureau.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

20. I forgot the last one....

 

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud
splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was
jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and
the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sum***** who pushed me in the pool.

 

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly are sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approaches from across the park.
The flasher comes up to the ladies, stands right in front of them, opens his trench coat and exposes himself.
Gertrude immediately has a stroke. Then Maude also has a stroke.
But Tilly, being older and feebler than the other two, can't reach that far.

 

Riiiinnnnnnngggggg.....Riiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnggggggg

**"Hello?"**





**"Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?"**





**"No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."**





**After a brief pause,**





**Daddy says,**
**"But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul."**





**"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now."**





Brief Pause.





**"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."**





**"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."**





**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**





**"I did it, Daddy."**





**"And what happened, honey?" He asked.**





"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran
around screaming.**





**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!"**





**"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"**





**"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**





**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**





**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."**





*****Long Pause*****






*****Longer Pause*****






*****Even Longer Pause*****





**Then Daddy says,**





**"Swimming pool? **





**Is this 486-5731?"*











*No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

 

THE DRUNK!


A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down and orders a drink. Looking
around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the
table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says,
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma
and she is good--the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says
nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and
says,

"Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home

 

A blonde walks into a bar just as the 6:00 newscast is starting. She takes a seat next to a man at the bar as the lead story is being reported. The story is about a man standing on the ledge of a tall building and threatening to jump.

The man turns to the blonde and says, "I'll bet you twenty bucks that he jumps."

The blonde says, "Okay, you're on."

A moment later, news cameras focus on the man as he leaps to his death. Shaking, the blonde reaches into her purse and takes out a twenty. She hands it to the man.

The man says, "I can't take that from you...I saw this on the news at 5:00, and I knew he was going to jump."

The blonde replies, "No, take it. I saw it too, I just didn't think he'd do it again."

 

A couple decide that an afternoon quikie is in order,but have to give their 10 year old son something to do.So they tell him to go out on the balcony and yell inside whatever he see's going on.
So he reports:
Billy has a new bike.
A car is getting towed out of the parking lot.
Jane and Betty are playing in the park
The people in the next building are having sex.
WHAT?? shout back his parents,how do you know that?
He reports back,"Their kid is out on the balcony"

 

An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her doctor to ask his help in
reviving her husband's sex drive."What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor."Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee." "He won't
even taste it." "Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how
things went."


A week later she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid.
Just terrible, Doctor.Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The
effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle
in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his
arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the
tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!Why so terrible?", asked the doctor." Do you mean you didn't enjoy it?Of course I did doctor! Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

 

A Irishman,Mexican,and Blonde guy work together.
At lunch one day the Irishman says"Corned beef and cabbage again,I'm going to kill myself if I have to eat this one more time."
The Mexican opens his lunch and says"Burritos,I'm going to kill my self if I have to eat this one more time."
The Blonde guy opens his lunch and says "If I get bologna sandwiches one more time I'm going to kill myself."
Next day,same lunches,and they all kill themselves.
At the funeral,the Irish wife says she would have made something else had she known that it was going to cause her husband to do this.
So does the Mexican wife.
When everyone there looks at the Blonde guys wife,she says
"Don't look at me,he made his own lunch."

 

What does eating at the Y and working for the mafia have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep ****!
__________________

 

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."