WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more,
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MAN'S POEM


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
Who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****

 

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out
the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It wa s just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

 

This is a true incident that happened in New York.

A Jewish man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Isreal on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan. The Jewish man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Jewish man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later, the Jewish man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000?"

The Jewish man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Ah, the brain of the Jews ...

 

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by
the
derelict's
intuition , since I was indeed single.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have
tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:? "Well, you know what,
you're
absolutely right.? But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly.

 

Jose died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Pepe and Angel.

The three men had always done everything together.

Pepe arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet. Pepe said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.

" The mortician rolled him over, and Pepe said, "Nope, ain't Jose."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Angel in to identify the body. Angel looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Angel said, "No, it
ain't Jose."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Angel said, "Well, Jose had two *******s."

"What? He had two *******s?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two *******s. Every time we went to town, folks would say, here comes Jose with them two *******s."

 

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every

year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."



Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50

dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."



One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther,

I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get

another chance."



Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50

is dollars is 50 dollars."



The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll

take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride

and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's

50 dollars."



Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.



The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not

a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a

word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly,

I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you

didn't."



Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but

50 dollars is 50 dollars."

 

THE $10 DRINKING BET

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there
must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the
jar?"

"Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks...
"What are
the three tests?"

"You must pay first...... Those are the rules," says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives him the $10 and the
bartender drops it into the jar.

"Okay," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or
less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have
to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!"

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do
it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all
those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender..... "but, your money stays where it
is." As
time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears
stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in
fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained
to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling and biting, and
screaming... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and
bleeding all over his body.

He says..." Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

 

man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender lines them up, and watches in amazement as the man slams them all in quick succession.

The Bartender asks "So what's that all about?"

Man says "Well I'm celebrating my first blow job!"

Bartender: "Hell I'll give you one more on the house!"

Man: "Nah, if 10 won't wash that taste out I don't think anything will."

 

An old man walked into a bar and ordered 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asked, "What's the matter?"
The old man said, "I found out my brother is *** and marrying my best friend."

The next day the old same man came in and ordered 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asked, "What's wrong this time?"
The old man said, "I found out that my son is ***."

The next day the same old man came in the bar and ordered 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asked, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looked up and said, "Apparently my wife does."

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
very closely...
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a ck ?"

 

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's him." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?"

Bush says, " I'm planning WW III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?

Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to the bartender and says,
"See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims".

 

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3
ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the
hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty
good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed
the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted
his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and
said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington
state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly
showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took
a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it
out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an
Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an
Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted
the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do
you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time
more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The
warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to
the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the
hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said
"You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

 

Dracula and Bat

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

 

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Giants lost, but at least I got laid.

 

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.

As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."

Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

 

Teachers
Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.
Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologize and promised to be more observant.
As the policeman turn to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor ...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?"
The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 105."

 

Girls night out

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights , put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

 

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket.